Let not the sands of time get in your gravy

My sole transport transports my soul - Alan Kelly

With hindsight, (do hinds have good sight? I've no eye deer...) I would never again try to plan a trip of this scale and still be working a 50hr week. I've only two weekends left to get ready, with far more than 4 days worth of things to do, so it's Bob Hope and no hope for me then. Geoff's already packed having decided which clothes to take. (Picture 'Man At C&A' strutting to the Bee Gees, and a supercilious expression) It's a catch 22 but I need the money. Especially after discovering someone had taken £250 from my account with a cloned card. I suspect due to a phoney phone call. A sure way to make a tall man short and withdrawn. The Gorm on the "help" line asked to check my identity. After quick glance in the mirror, replied "Yes, it's me." He was as vacant as a condemned outhouse. But it's no use blaming the cistern. Some form of form had to be filled, to formally inform necessary information, as per norm. An account of my recount of my account. Being on form I suggested a reform to save this performance. The gorm was true to form. With no access to my money for 5 days and a 15 day wait for a refund. Joy.

Perhaps moving all the bottles in my drinks cabinet to the top shelf would be a sure way to raise my spirits, if only I had one. So I turned to my bike, my oasis. Even that proved to be a mirage.

The only thing feeling more drained than me is my bike battery, after discovering the alarm faintly chirping like a distressed sparrow. Geoff's bike is also alarmed, but that's due to his style of riding. After a close examination of my bike, there was no obvious reason for the alarm to sound, so I tried to reset it. Nothing happened so I turned on the ignition to deliberately set off the alarm. Nothing. I hit the panic button. That didn't work either, so I did what any normal person would do in a similar situation and hastily introduced a size 13 steel-capped toe to the rear tyre.
"If I had any idea what I was doing you wouldn't be so chirpy then, would you? No!" As if threatening an inanimate object would help, but there's always a first time. After admitting defeat, and turning the key from 'bereft' to 'doornail'...it stopped. It's not pining, it's dead.

My electrical tester's instructions appeared to be in Polish, so assuming it's only good for Pole volts, connected a charger, hoping for the best. More joy.

While the battery is currently re-volting, I'm left to stare at an empty space where my car has been parked for 6yrs, after selling my BMW 3 series coupe. One of a precious few cars I can fit in comfortably, and I loved the 6 cylinder engine but alas, surplus to requirements and I need all the money I can get for this trip. It was rarely driven, but kept for the sake of owning a car, and for transportation of friends and family who are unable to comprehend the joys of motorcycling. You can lead a horse to water...

The £600 I got for my car has paid for my sat-nav, the spare clutch and brake levers and cables for both bikes, (£180!) a tankful of petrol and two pies, leaving me with £20.
I walked to the petrol garage the next day for a pint of milk and some crisps.

"Any fuel?" asked the garage owner.

"No thanks" I replied, "I've just sold my car for £600 and I'm left with this £20 note."

"That's ok" he replied, "You can put the crisps back."

It's all gravy...

One HHHundred & EIGHHHTEYYY!!

A Short History of Medicine

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."

1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root."~Author Unknown

After carefully trawling across several websites, we were pleased to discover that most travel vaccines were avoidable, given the route we are taking has a similar latitude to the U.K. Since we aren't entering the tropics, Africa or S. America, we needn't worry about Malaria, Yellow Fever, Meningitis or Japanese B Encephalitis. So Geoff, 5'10" (yeh right-you can see his feet on his driver's licence!) decided as a general precaution, on a Tetanus booster, I assume because his bikes are usually rusty old nails, and Rabies, as it's possible we may encounter a bear. Personally I wouldn't wait long enough to see if a bear was foaming at the mouth. A good way to tell the difference between a black bear and a grizzly, is a black bear will climb a tree after you to kill you, whereas a grizzly will knock the tree down and kill you. Usually because it sees you as a threat, so it's best to curl up on the ground and play dead, rather than fight it and be dead. They are usually seeking food, like me, so ours will be kept in airtight containers.

We have an award winning First Need Deluxe water purifier, that removes bacteria and chemicals from any water source, so we will always have 100% safe drinking water. Unlike most water filters and purifiers, this one doesn't use iodine or any other chemicals. It's expensive, but probably our most vital piece of kit, as most viruses are spread through drinking water.

Camping on the shores of Loch Lomond during summer 2006, taught us the importance of protection from mosquitoes. Milyons of 'em.
"Would Sir care for some mosquito repellent?"

"No thanks, I'm sure we'll be.....ok, we'll take two!"

Copious amounts of Deet are therefore ready for deployment, as is a lesser known, but very affective protection, in the form of Avon Skin So Soft. Obviously, in the interests of upkeeping our biker machismo, by no account shall we admit to it's use.

Out of curiosity, I contacted my local GP and was advised to fill out a travel vaccine form, so they could inform me which diseases, if any, are currently prevalent in the countries we are travelling. In the meantime, I was given a one-off pneumonia jab.

"You're going to need quite a few Mr. Kelly" the nurse reliably informed me the following day. "And as soon as possible, some of these are a course of three!"

The list is as follows:

Hepatitis A & B

Typhoid

Diphtheria

Tetanus

Polio

Rabies

Tick Borne Encephalitis

Malaria (only if we decide to go deep into Mexico, so we wont!)

The good news is all were free of charge except Rabies and Tick Borne Encephalitis, which are expensive and not usually available from local GPs. I managed to get an appointment next morning at my local medical centre to receive an armful of TBE, in exchange for a handful of cash. £6o a jab, with the second needed within 4 weeks, and a third in 6 months if you need 3 years protection. Rabies was available from my GP at £101 for a 3 course. Normally you won't receive more than two jabs at once, but as we are less than 1 month from departure, I had Hepatitis A & B, TBE and Rabies all in the same day.

I felt like a Voodoo doll, wondering if the process worked in reverse, imagining an effigy of me in pain. Or maybe I'd sat in the way of Phil 'The Power' Taylor on one of his 'off' days. But hey, I've had fun before....

Luckily modern needles are so small you hardly notice them, so if you're travelling get vaccinated. I promise you won't feel like a victim of a drive-by jousting from Sir Lancelot.

This month is proving to be our busiest by far, and we are both feeling the strain. And my antibodies are busier than blind man putting socks on a rooster.

I need a holiday.

Mind the steppe

The shortest distance between two points is under construction. ~Noelie Altito









How did we choose a route across the largest country in the world? To me it looks a simple case of taking the first steppe and the second will follow. Well, almost, we are actually avoiding most of "the Great Steppe," as our route goes mostly around the top of it. The world's largest zone of all steppes, (like a prairie, but shorter grass and temperatures can vary from -40 to +40) found in southwest Russia and neighbouring countries in Central Asia, stretches from Ukraine in the west to the Ural Mountains and the Caspian Sea. Our proposed route takes us from Sochi to Volgograd, then around the top of Kazakstan via Chelyabinsk, Omsk and Novosibirsk. From there across the top of Mongolia to Irkutsk and Lake Baikal, Ulan-Ude and Chita.

This is where it becomes 'interesting' as this vast Trans-Siberian highway, officially opened in 2004 by Vladimir Putin, isn't quite finished. The section between Chita and Khabarovsk, the Amur Highway, is 2100km and currently under construction. Latest information states 1600km is still gravel, so by my best guestimation we shall have to ride very carefully for about 1000 miles. I've just fitted a Ventura headlight guard, courtesy of David Gath at http://www.motohaus.com/ so hopefully if Geoff or his bike throw stones at me, it's unlikely to damage my headlight. Richard Lindley rode across the gravel highway in 2006, also on a Triumph Tiger, saying he was lucky to reach 40mph. His story can be found on the motorcyclists travel site, http://www.horizonsunlimited.com/

It is arguably the longest road in the world, stretching over 11000km from St. Petersburg to Vladivostok, disputing with the Trans-Canada Highway and Highway 1, Australia. Officially, Guinness lists the longest road as the Pan-American Highway at 24,150km, but this has a 54km long section in Panama known as the 'Darien Gap' where the road doesn't connect.


Apparently, the Amur route will be made into a 7 lane highway in 2010. I generally avoid motorways unless I'm in a hurry, but given the choice of riding a new 7 lane highway or 1000 miles of gravel, maybe 9 out of 10 motorcyclists who expressed a preference....


Worried? Me? No, of course not. Not at all, not really. No honestly, well, maybe a bit....ok yes.

Pessimism blunts the tools you need to succeed.

All of the biggest technological inventions created by man - the airplane, the automobile, the computer - says little about his intelligence, but speaks volumes about his laziness. ~Mark Kennedy



Sochi, we've decided, will be our entry point for Russia. After suffering the heatwave over Easter here in England, (I knew things were hotting up when the snow turned to sleet) we thought we deserved more and picked a route through Greece and Turkey, following the coast of the Black Sea to Trabzon. From there a relaxing 12hr ferry crossing to the spectacular location of Sochi on the coast of the Black Sea and at the foot of the Caucasus Mountains in southern Russia. The International Olympic Committee has designated Sochi as the host city of the 2014 Olympic and Paralympic Winter Games. Thanks to this decision, Russia will host its first ever Winter Games, so I'm hoping it's not going to look like a building site when we arrive!
Originally, we had planned to ride north crossing Bulgaria and Romania, as I wanted to visit Bran Castle high in the Carpathian mountains. This is a former residence of Prince Vlad Tepes The Impaler, or Dracula to you and me. But as Geoff is, let's say 'chronologically gifted,' he requested a more southerly route across warmer climes. I had to agree. Although this means we will bypass Georgia, a ferry will at least give us a break from riding and a chance to relax before we take the plunge into Russia. Knowing my luck the ferry will take the plunge into the depths of the Black Sea...ah well in for a penny. (I wonder if that's the name of Rod Stewart's house?)
The ferries across the black sea are a cause for some trepidation, after reading that many of them have been hijacked. But then, we were riding across Georgia around the coast to avoid Chechnya anyway, so either way Sochi was a definite destination. If you believe all that you read, you would think we were motorcycling around the world, when really we will be soaking up the sun in Miami for six months....(did I type that out loud?)

Despite Geoff's favoured pretence at being Tarzan of the concrete jungle, he convinced me to purchase a sat-nav, if only as an excuse for him to unleash his pent up torrent of abuse, usually savoured by fellow technologically advanced citizens of London, blissfully unaware of his suffering at the hands of someones obvious topographical errors on his well worn map. So, I'm now the proud owner of a Garmin Zumo 550, the self proclaimed 'Daddy' of motorcycle sat-navs. It has full coverage of every European country, so at least it will know exactly where we are, but I'm still going to use a map as well until it earns it's trust. Never put all your eggs in one motorcycle pannier. The Zumo can still be of use across Russia, as it has an 'off road' setting, a compass, and many other useful toys. If it helps us to get to far eastern Russia, at least I can say it got my Bering Strait.

Rules are for fools and a guide for the wise

The only thing you can influence in life, is what you are about to do. - Alan Kelly







I always wondered why the future seemed to happen to me while I was doing something else. Sedated by endless routine, existing instead of living. Suddenly you're ten years older. If you love life, don't waste time, make it memorable, what else do you have? If you live freely in the moment then time constraints cease to exist. You're not worrying about the past or the future. This is the time of your life.

You cannot be prepared for every eventuality, but we will carry as many spares as we can, some of which are a legal requirement in some countries, and a good first aid kit. We both have basic first aid training but I may have to draw the line at mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. 'See that Bears game last night? Helluva game!' I think it's more important to have a well prepared mind. Panicking at every mishap will invariably lead to the wrong decision. I'm sure if 'Elf & Safety' had anything to do with it, we would be carrying two 750mm direction arrows, a road narrows sign, a minimum of six cones and a 'chimps at work' sign. After filling out the on-site risk assessment, we would have spent twice as long on site as necessary, therefore doubling the risk and more likely needing to fill in a 'near miss' report. Not to mention a full catalogue of 'Mind how you go' equipment. After the Hatfield rail disaster, ridiculous speed limits were introduced to increase safety. Unfortunately passengers arrived home so late most took to commuting by car thus increasing their danger. My personal safety has always been a top priority, especially riding a motorcycle, but I can't understand why we all have to live by stringent rules designed from the lowest common denominator i.e. the thickest idiot. An example from our last 'elf & safety' meeting was to inform us that it gets dark earlier during the winter, and colder so wear warm clothing and eat a good breakfast and lunch. During the summer, daylight lasts longer and due to the warmer temperature you should drink more water! I was still living on Earth last time I checked, so I already know these things! If I was an employer, I would suggest not employing personnel that stupid to greatly reduce the risk to the rest of us in the first place!

I love working on the highways really, even if I have already tendered my resignation, so I can discover where all these roads actually lead. My last day will be Friday 18th April. I've never been out of work before and here I am giving up a perfectly well paid job just so I can ride my bike. No sense? Nonsense!

We will ride during the day, stop at points of interest, eat when we are hungry and sleep when we get tired. If we have a breakdown, then that is simply an unscheduled break. Life happens around you, adjust and go with the flow. Some people will laugh at such foolishness, preferring the comforts of double glazed isolation, soap operas and heated towel rails, but the wise will understand. We all live under the same sky, but our needs are different.

I'm still considering a sat-nav. I've never needed one before but it's benefits are tempting. Maps tend not to list bikers favourite routes, points of interest, pie vendors, or play mp3s. Maybe the extortionate price will actually save us money, rather than relying on our often opposite senses of direction. Should the worst happen, no local pies for example, I feel safer knowing I have our exact position to give to our rescuers. We both think it's a good idea to have one between us, especially if it's me so Geoff gets an opportunity to give me a public stoning, accusing me of selling my soul to witchcraft, and spears are better than shrink wrapped bacon etc. After admitting the real reason for not getting one is insufficient time for him to learn how to use it. I've already got an indestructible waterproof map, but within it's robust design, a distinct lack of 'B' roads, rendering it useless off the beaten track. Besides, Geoff is taking a laptop so it's only fair that I also have a gadget to play with.

If anyone wishes to bid us farewell in person, even if it's hurling abuse or preferably money, you may do so at the Ace Cafe 7pm Monday 21st April, where we will be trying to convince the 'Riders Digest' team the best thing to boost their circulation is to print the 'Poor Circulation' trials and tribulations. Hopefully our Russian visas can be collected before Wednesday 23rd (Details, schmetails) as it is the official start of 'Poor Circulation' leaving St. Teresa's Hospice Darlington at 10am. Onwards and upwards to bonnie Scotland, down to the Lakes for a day or two, Wales for a day or two, then home to iron out any problems. Farleigh Hospice Chelmsford is our last port of call Wednesday 30th April, before our intermediate port of call Folkestone campsite, a favorite of Geoff's, before our first port of call Dover Thursday 1st May, to our second port of call Calais. This is for me, where the journey really begins. Other than an entry and exit date for the Russian visas, June 1st, exiting within ninety days, we have no rigid schedule.

This is what I call freedom.

Deux tartes, s'il vous plait

Alcohol, the cause and solution to, all
life's problems. - Homer Simpson
Poor circulation HQ has been the usual hive of inactivity until now. This week we received many deliveries from 'Parcel Marceau' some attempted, some successful and some left with neighbours. We now have most of the things we need, mostly due to the generosity of Frank and Liz at http://www.triumph-online.co.uk/,
Graham at http://www.bykebitz.co.uk/,
David at http://www.motohaus.com/ and http://www.wemoto.com/.

Talk about Christmas come early! They have all saved us a small fortune on spares and accessories for the bikes and their help will go a long way in helping our journey succeed. The further we get the more publicity we can get for them and raise awareness for the Hospices. Every one's a winner!
Geoff is currently pulling his hair out trying to secure the Russian visas, flapping around and cursing like Icarus....while I'm sorting through the boxes of equipment wondering how we can fit it all on the bikes....

We can't carry everything we want on a bike, but we can carry everything we need. That's one of the many reasons why I chose a Triumph Tiger. Not a 1970's Tiger Cub like Ted Simon rode around the world on (read Jupiter's travels) but a 2006 Tiger 955i. It has an excellent carrying capacity, a 24lt fuel tank, over 50mpg and most importantly can accommodate a man of my stature. Few people even realise Triumph are still being manufactured, after being bought by a successful property developer John Bloor in the late 80's, they have been completely re-designed and built in a new state-of -the-art factory in Hinckley, Leicesterchire. That was, until it burnt down. Now after a rebuild, it's the most modern motorcycle factory in the world. 40.000 bikes a year are made, and they are deliberately 'over engineered' to ensure they never leak oil, unlike the original bikes' reputation. The fuel injected triple engine is more reliable than most of the Japanese competition, and even BMW. (more Tigers are sold in Germany than the equivalent BMW) The Tiger is a 'dual purpose' bike, but the later models such as ours, are almost totally road biased. Just like us then. But we can ride off the beaten track if we have to, ideal to recce campsites in the purest 'poorcirculation' style, and that will be a 'trial' in itself. This will prove to be entertaining as we have precious little 'off road' experience. My idea of a dual purpose bike is 'go & stop.'
As for European language barriers, we considered an electronic 'speaking' translator, but over the last few months we have been learning the subtle differences between Geordie and Estuary and seem to be communicating much better now. This is by no means easy, for example Geoff aired his concerns for the environment and concluded he was gangrene due to global warming. Also at the pub known as 'The Lercal' some confusion arose when he asked for 'Two eels, eye.' Then he announced he was losing his sense of humour by saying he was giving up smirking. Small problems, but often overcome by the simple use of universal hand signals which I'm sure, will bode us well across Europe. Russian checkpoints and border crossings may prove more difficult, even if the guards speak English. I doubt they could understand Geoff's pronunciation, and given his penchant for army surplus equipment, drastically increases the likelihood of him being shot on sight. Especially as I've put an MI5 sticker on his back.
However, a picture says a thousand words, so I shall be purchasing a universal picture dictionary. I won't tell Geoff, so he will be suitably impressed at my language prowess. Let the gesticulation commence!

Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes....

Apologies for not updating my blog for a while. In my last entry I mentioned that technology is only as reliable as those who design it. Two days later my PC unceremoniously destroyed itself. Fortunately, my Dad has a laptop I can borrow when he's not using it. Not very often then... Only recently had I said how awkward it would be if I lost all my trip planning and contacts, this close to departure. I have learned from previous experience how important it is to backup files regularly onto DVDs. But, I discovered my last backup didn't include the all important 'World trip' file. How I laughed as I discovered a simple 'El Cheapo' power supply, commonly used in bargainous PCs, and specifically designed to break 24hrs after the guarantee runs out. A simple case of transplanting all the useful parts into my older, and much better, hand built PC. Unfortunately this was sold to a friend two weeks earlier, as I needed the money for the trip. This 'friend' still owes me £50.

Against my better judgement, I entered my local PC shop with a view to fixing mine on the cheap. I only need a PC until I leave so it's not worth spending money for something that will have little use, and be obsolete when I return. Needless to say, the shop owner didn't have what I required, couldn't understand how to dismantle the 'pretty' components, allowed me the use of his magnetic (!!) screwdriver, offered a useless alternative and left me to re-assemble it. I was smiling through gritted teeth, but before I could say 'You're incompetent, that's incompatible', my talents were required to fix his 'new fangled Windows Vista' laptop, then explain to him how re-install programs and restore his settings, and even give advice to a customer when he couldn't! How people like him can run a business is beyond me. Honestly, the wheel's still turning but the hamster is dead! Apart from an almost complete sense of humour bypass, I've had a good weekend.

It's frustrating having to rely on other people at the best of times. Computers can be very useful Geoff, just take off your 'Procrastinate Now!' T-shirt and get the bikes rolling mate.

I've learnt the main difference between us two; Geoff says 'I'm sure everything will be fine...'
I say 'I'm making sure everything will be fine...'

I think it's finally dawning on him just how important it is to plan all the little details, now that he can't leave it all to me....

On the plus side, we successfully applied for our International Driving Permits, having to apply in person to Chelmsford main post office as they are the only local office that issues them for some unknown reason. These next few weeks will be busier than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, but I'm sure everything will be fine....